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Apartment Remix

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I am woefully underequipped to redo furniture. I don’t really know anything about shop tools or paint or varnish. I don’t own a sander. I’ve never even used a sander.

But just because you’re completely incompetent doesn’t mean you can’t try!

And in any case, the furniture I set out to redo looked like such ass that whatever I threw at it was bound to be an improvement.

This coffee table was a holdback from the bad old days, when Nimbus and I lived in a student 1 bedroom four or five blocks off the Cal campus. The apartment had just been his for about two years prior, and was horribly dirty from neglect. Half of the furniture was still unbuilt, Liz Lemon style, and while cleaning I would constantly discover bizarre surprises, like a jar of green liquid under the kitchen sink (algae supplements for healthy shakes) or a ladle in a bathroom cabinet, covered in something unctuous and brown (it was not poop, but you can understand why I thought it was).

The table was actually not a terrible piece of furniture– it’s actual wood and it doesn’t wobble. But the top was covered with a big piece of something leathery or cardboardy that was clearly peeling all around the edges, and had collected all kind of disgusting things– the cheeto dust and other debris of our college days– in between it and the wood of the table.

I took off the top and sanded down the gluey raw wood underneath as best I could, then applied a coat of primer all around.

I added a coat of gloss white, covered the edges in painter’s tape and trash bags, and then spray painted the very top in blue.

Several mishaps and stencilings later, I came up with this. The stencils come from a pack of premade Martha Stewart stencils, because Michaels apparently doesn’t sell plain stencil paper, and I didn’t feel like sitting down for a couple of hours and pain-stakingly Exacto-ing out my own, either. (I mean, I don’t even have a printer right now, so that wasn’t an option anyways.)

I originally did the stencils with a Sharpie paint pen, but that was 1) a pain in the ass, and 2) I fucked it up twice in TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAYS. Third time’s the charm– and the third time, I just used a sponge brush and some acrylic paint.

I still used the pen for the text in the center:

So what do you think?



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